Research on Healthy Conflict in Relationships
3/18/22
I often hear stories from clients about conflicts that they have struggled with in their relationships and families. I can certainly relate, and have had moments of feeling frustrated and helpless during arguments. It seems that most people struggle with either avoiding conflicts, or getting intensely angry and saying things they later regret. Whether it’s conflicts with significant others, family members, roommates or friends, many people often struggle with working through conflicts in a productive way.
There is helpful research on building emotional connection and conflict resolution from bestselling authors John and Julie Gottman. Many Christian and secular counselors consider the Gottman’s resources to be some of the most beneficial for conflict resolution and helping people improve their relationships. I had the privilege of taking several trainings from the Gottman’s, which I’ve found to be helpful and effective for my work with clients.
John Gottman conducted a famous study about relationships at the University of Washington, which involved over 3,000 couples. Each couple was interviewed, and given fifteen minutes to essentially argue about the biggest problems in their relationship. The couples were then given 15 minutes to discuss areas that were going well in the relationship. During the interview, the couples were filmed, and wore devices that monitored physiological responses including their breathing and heart rate. The couples came back for the same interview every three years for a twenty year span.
Gottman and his research team analyzed the videos and physiological data from the interviews from these couples, and had some important findings. The couples that were emotionally connected and worked through conflict in healthy ways were designated as “master couples” by the research team. The researchers also identified the “disaster couples” that were really struggling in their relationships and had unhealthy forms of conflict. One of the finding from the study was that during conflict, the masters couples had a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative statements, compared to a 0.7:1 ratio of positive to negative statements from the disaster couples.
The research team noted that when people’s heart rates rose above 100 beats per minute during conflict, they were flooded with adrenaline, and were not able to listen to each other well. The disaster couples often continued hashing out their arguments when flooded with adrenaline, which often contributed to other negative patterns they called the Four Horseman - criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness and contempt. Interestingly, the masters couples were skilled at keeping their heart rates low and remaining calm during conflict, and often used humor and gently started their arguments. Some of the Gottman resources encourage couples to take space when their heartrates are elevated, and they’re flooded with adrenaline for at least 30 minutes and up to 24 hours, and then discuss the situation from a more calm and collected place.
Gottman’s team found that the masters couples did a good job of speaking about their emotions and stating positive needs during conflict. As an example, let’s say a person has a pattern of being a careless driver and sideswipes their car, and their spouse is really frustrated. Their spouse might say something like, “I can’t believe what you did to our car, and you’re so irresponsible. Our insurance rates are going up again, and you’re always rushing on your way to work.” A more healthy way to discuss this situation would be something along the lines of: “I feel concerned and scared about what happened to our car. I feel frustrated that our insurance rates are going up again. Can you please leave earlier for work, and drive more carefully?” There's a subtle difference over time when people use “I statements” about the situation, not about the person, and try to communicate positive needs.
The Gottman resources are secular, and there are a growing amount of Christian resources that draw from the Gottman’s research, and I have recently heard Greg and Lisa Popcak discussing principles from the Gottman’s resources on Catholic radio. I noticed that Matthew Kelly has adapted aspects of Gottman’s research in some of Dynamic Catholic’s marriage resources. I have found that the research-based recommendations on conflict and emotional connection from the Gottmans have been beneficial for clients in a variety of contexts including spouses, friends, family members, roommates, and coworkers.
Sam Meier, MA, LCPC